I had to encounter the unfortunate incident of having my thumbdrive crash today. Gone with it are 2 of my half-done assignments and some learning materials. Strangely, my song folders are all intact. I am still mourning over my loss. The effort...the time used to painstakingly complete part of those assignments... While I do have some impression of what I had written, I would never be able to replicate an exact copy of what I had done previously. *SIGH*
Back from my short trip to sunshine coast, I’m now left with 1 day of holidays to finish up assignments before the shortly approaching deadline. As part of my assessment requirements, I had the chance to interview a person of my choice who had a vastly diverse background from me. He fit the criteria of being ‘different’ from me, but he too was an international student. He struck me as a person who was clear of his goals in life and someone possessing immense determination to pursue his interests. I paled in comparison and I ought to feel embarrassed. I realised that I had always been ‘following the flow’, without ideals, without aspirations. I guess that’s why my life lacks a direction in which I want to work towards. Of course, there are many things that I badly want to do, but I don’t seem to have the courage and endurance to pursue these interests, especially if no else in my pathetically small social circle shares the same interest.
On top of that, another realization dawned upon me---I don’t think I have been working hard enough. Like what my secondary school teacher used to like to say, “You ought to be shot.” Seriously, I could hear her voice ringing in my ears. This guilt is further compounded by the fact that he was an average student, not academically brilliant, but since he had to bear part of his study expenses in Australia, he had this innate motivation to ensure that his school fees did not go to waste. In contrast, I as a scholar, who does not have to bear the burden of ridiculous international student fees, took it for granted, skipped lectures, skipped practicals, skipped tutorials and did not set high enough expectations of myself to uphold the image worthy of a scholar in terms of academic achievement. I wish that I had the drive to push myself towards goals that I truly desire to achieve, rather than feeling content with using others as a benchmark to gauge my performance. I wish.....Students without scholarships could excel...maybe I could too.....?
Leaving footsteps on earth.
9:50 am <3
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